Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today I woke up to learn that while I was unconscious, the doctors took my three baby boys from my body. They were too young and too small to live without me and I was dying with them.

We had fought for so long for those babies. Years of infertility. IVF. I was originally carrying quads because when my body does something, it decides to do them in the weirdest way possible. We lost one baby at 8 weeks.

I was so sick. From ten weeks on I had the worst morning sickness. I became so dehydrated that my doctor had ordered me to be on home IV therapy. So I went in a couple days before Christmas to get the IV placed and to learn how to deal with it and how to clear my line and all that.

The next day I accidentally messed up my line and had to go back to get it replaced. That probably saved my life because they took my blood pressure and immediately sent me to the hospital. I spent a few days in the maternity ward on bed rest with lots of medicine. They couldn't control my blood pressure and I was getting sicker.

I was sent up to ICU where I was fitted with a PICC line and had so many tests done. I couldn't breath half the time. I could only breath properly if I was sitting upright slumped over a pillow. That made my blood pressure worse though. I stopped eating. Everything made me throw up. I stopped drinking. I stopped peeing.

My kidneys were shutting down. My liver was shutting down. I threw a blood clot in my left eye. I had to actively remind myself to breath because I couldn't trust my body to breath for me. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't breath. My mother took a picture of me right at the end. I looked like I was already dead.

 I have no memories of the final day except someone yelling at me to breath and someone else trying to get me to drink an ensure. I remember throwing up that ensure too.

I woke up in a chair. No memories of how they got me into the chair. The nurses were bringing in my three babies so that I could see them and hold them. They had taken pictures of the boys beforehand and did hand prints and foot prints and did little molds of their hands and feet for me. They put together a little photo album for me of pictures of the babies.

They were so tiny. Only 17 weeks but so perfect. Their little hands and feet were perfect. Little eyes and ears were still not formed completely but their noses and lips were already perfect. The nurses had wrapped them up in little blankets and put tiny little hats on their heads for me.

We had them baptized. We named them. Andrew Noah, Benjamin Levi, and Caleb Thomas.