Now we pause for a commercial break

I've been doing this Bzz Agent thing for a while now. It is a cool program. Manufacturers want people to try their products and do person to person advertising on their behalf. Smart move really. Most people take the advice of their friends and family over a commercial on TV.

So this campaign was for Kashi Hummus Chips.
 <img src="https://img.bzzagent.com/image/hummusCrisps.jpg?Type=activity&Activity=6030726957&Campaign=3710375657&Uid=501789&token=78244938f776992e4d61517b53133b74" alt=""/>

I received a free bag of olive oil and sea salt chips along with several coupons to try the other flavors.

The flavor was great. I loved that.

The texture was grainy and gritty though. I have texture issues with food and grainy and gritty are my least favorite mouth sensations.

My sister, however, loved them.

I recommend them due to the nutrition information and the fact that they are a great snack. My texture issues aside, the chips were yummy and would hold up well to a variety of dips. I never tried any dips with them though because we demolished the bag too quickly.

Another year. Another try

Boy, I suck at keeping things updated.

Big reason why I was so reluctant to start a blog in the first place. I am terrible about keeping these things up. I always tried to keep a diary as a teenager but I never kept up for longer than a day or two. Nobody read it but me and so I didn't see the point.

Then again, I don't know if anyone sees this blog either.

The boys would have been three right about now. Sassy toddlers. Maybe with a Thomas the Train fixation or a deep and abiding love of all things Toy Story. Maybe potty training. Flooding the bathroom during bath time. Coloring on the walls. Chasing the cat.

I'll never know.

I miss them.

The grief is very quiet these days. I'm not struck blind by pain and I am not as fearful of losing my composure in public when I am unprepared. Their memory box lives on a shelf in the living room next to the TV. I want to be able to grab it on my way out the door in case of a fire or a zombie invasion. It is irreplaceable.

Emotionally, I am ready to try again. Physically, I am as ready as I ever will be.

My dragonflies have three siblings in storage right now. We have been storing the three remaining embryos for the last few years and it is now time to give them a chance to live.

I'm now raising money to help pay for the cost of storage fees for 2013 and 2014 as well as costs for a frozen embryo transfer (FET).

So far I have raised enough to pay for the storage fees for 2013. This bill is due right now because it accidentally didn't get paid in September like it was supposed to. I can breathe a little easier knowing that it is taken care of.

The next bill for $610 will be due in the coming September and it is also storage fees.

The plan is to try again summer 2014. This gives me a year to raise enough money to pay for medication, procedure cost, and any extra fees. I'm using GoFundMe.com because it allows me to watch the progress and keep track of how much more I need. Also I can set it up so that every paycheck I get, I can throw in a bit into my maybebaby fund.

I need at the most $5,000. I feel totally weird asking people for help but if you have any desire to help a stranger out, please consider chipping in a few bucks. I've attached a widget that links to my GoFundMe donation page.

I hope to keep this blog up a bit better. I still need to take pictures of my dragonflies around my house.

Another day.

Another try.

I am still trying.

Capture your Grief - October

Carly from CarlyMarie Project Heal is hosting a wonderful project for the month of October called Capture your Grief. It's a photo project, 31 days of grief and where you are now in your journey of loss.

   Here are the daily subjects:

Day 1. Sunrise I thought it would be sweet for us all to capture the beginning of this beautiful project and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning! When you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise {just for fun!}

Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you before your loss.

Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you after your loss.

Day 4. Most Treasured Item Something that relates to your baby/ies/child/ren. Maybe it is their hand and foot prints or a photograph. Whatever it is we would love to see it.

Day 5. Memorial This could be anything you have had done in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren. It could be their plaque at the cemetery or a tree that has been planted in their memory, anything at all.

Day 6. What Not To Say Have you had something terrible said to you in the wake of your loss, write it on a piece of paper – photograph it – vent it.

Day 7. What To Say We all talk about the bad things people say to us but we rarely focus on the good that people say to us. Share a tip for those who don’t have any idea on what to say. Write it own – photograph it.

Day 8. Jewellery Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren? Share it!

Day 9. Special Place This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is.

Day 10. Symbol Do you have a symbol for your baby/ies/child/ren? It could be a butterfly, dragonfly, a humming-bird, dolphin, seashell, share what it is and why it is so symbolic to you.

Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family Who has been there for you?

Day 12. Scents Do you have a scent that you relate to your baby/ies/child/ren? Is it a candle scent, perfume, food or maybe a flower? Share it with us!

Day 13. Signs If you believe in signs from your child/ren, share with us an experience you have had.

Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended.

Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light!

Day 16. Release Balloons, lanterns, butterflies, doves.

Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates Share a photo of what you did for your baby/ies/child/rens special day. Did you hide away in bed? Did you have a cake? Did you have a party? What did you do?

Day 18. Your Family Portrait Take a photo of you with your family, work out a way to incorporate your baby/ies/child/ren who are no longer physically with you anymore. You could hold up photos of them or even just hold their names with you. What does your family look like now? Is it just you left here? Do you have a large family? Is it just you and your partner?

Day 19. Project Have you worked on any projects inspired by your loss. They could be anything from an art project to organizing memory boxes for a hospital. If you have not yet done a project you could share something that you would like to work on.

Day 20. Charity/Organization Share your favourite charity or organization that has touched your heart on this road of grief. If you don’t have a photograph to share, just simply post the link to their website!

Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space Share a photo of your special place in your home/garden for your baby/ies/child/ren.

Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant. Share a photo of those who took care of you and your baby. This could be a midwife/doula/friend/partner.

Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo If you feel comfortable, share a photo of your baby/ies/child/ren who you are remembering this month. If you do not have photos, you could use an ultrasound image or something that represents them.

Day 24. Siblings Obviously not everyone can use siblings as a subject but I felt it was important to include the children who are left here to grieve their brothers and sisters. Capture a sibling, niece or nephew’s grief. Maybe you could share a drawing they have done or even just a photo of them holding something that represents their brother or sister that they are missing. Give them a voice here.

Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing Share a photo from your baby shower or blessing. Maybe you could show everyone the gifts you received that you were not able to use.

Day 26. Their Age How old was your baby/ies/child/ren when they died. Write it down on a piece of paper. If they died whilst you were pregnant you can write their gestation.

Day 27. Artwork Share some artwork that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren or something that was created for them by you or someone else.

Day 28. Memory Share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory.

Day 29. Music This might be hard to capture in a photograph so break the rules (that we don’t have, hah!) and post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren

Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World What do you want the world to know about this road you are travelling?  Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see! (We will be making a video clip of these images from this particular day!)

Day 31. Sunset To close this project and month I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window.

So I really stink at keeping things going like this but I am going to give it a try. Wish me luck?

What's with the name?

I've been asked about my blog name.

Tre Libellule means Three Dragonflies in Italian.

That is what I see my babies as now.

Dragonflies.

When I finally came home from the hospital and stepped out of the car, I saw or I thought I saw dragonflies diving and soaring around the garden. I might have just been imagining things. I don't know. You don't often find dragonflies in January even if you live in an area with very mild winters like I do.

Since then, I have thought of my babies as tiny dragonflies. Beautiful. Delicate. Graceful.

I learned since then that a lot of different cultures have similar thoughts about dragonflies. Some feel like they are the souls of departed children. Others just see them as a representation of the fragility of life.

I now have a small collection of dragonfly things I keep around my house in memory of the boys. I have some pieces of jewelry as well.

Some online friends chipped in and gave me a blue topaz dragonfly pendant. The blue topaz is the birthstone for December, the month that I lost my babies.

My things are not all that elaborate. I like that I can look at something as mundane as my purse hook next to the front door and see three dragonflies.

I look above my kitchen sink at a wind chime I found at a craft store that just so happened to have three blue dragonflies as part of the design.

My husband found me a suncatcher that has three dragonflies darting above a pond of waterlilies.

These symbols are subtle and if you didn't know what they meant to me, you wouldn't imagine them to be a memorial to my lost children. I can maintain a certain amount of privacy regarding my grief.

I like that.


In my next post I will show some pictures of my dragonfly collection

The Boys (photos)

Hi everyone. I'm Melissa.
I'm actually Calypso's Mommy from Hiding Scars in my Yarn.

K, the owner of this blog, has been a BFF for years and she's AWFUL at keeping up on a blog. So she made me a contributor and told me I could come and post photos of her sweet boys since you guys hadn't seen them yet :)

    So I said, SURE! So here we go on a photo journey.

In the beginning, there were four.

A,B,C, and D. In this photo Baby D (Delta) has already passed away. He (or she) passed at 8 weeks on the nose. While K mourned Delta she was so pleased that A,B, and C were doing well

Here's Baby A at 12 weeks

Baby B at 12 weeks

And Baby C (at 8.5 weeks because for some reason the u/s pic of Baby C never got uploaded)

K started getting sick, very very sick. Her blood pressure was going crazy and she was just not doing well. She has very bad asthma and would have serious trouble breathing with her blood pressure going like it was.

On New Year's Eve 2010, December 31 she called me in tears. She'd lost the babies and almost died herself. She was going into multiple organ failure and the doctors made the decision to take the boys on December 30, 2010 at 17 weeks into the pregnancy.

It was necessary. K almost died and still has retina issues to this day because her blood pressure really was that high. It wasn't her fault, it was no ones fault, but I know my sweet hearted friend feels guilt and I hope that talking about it with others helps her sometimes.

The boys were beautiful, they were named Andrew Noah, Benjamin Levi, and Caleb Thomas. A,B, and C. Caleb was the biggest of the boys.

Here's K holding her sweet boys

The boys were baptized by a chaplain

K was given three little lambs, the boys hats and their blankets

The boys were buried in a beautiful hospital plot in Greenlawn Southwest Cemetery

I never met the boys but I do miss them. Their mom saved my life and I mourn for her and hurt for her every day. I hope someday in heaven I can have the honor of meeting these sweet angels.

Their mommy loves and misses them so much.

They would have been two

I've been quiet for several months. Part of the problem with me and blogging is that I have trouble finding the words to express my feelings regarding the babies. I'm not usually at a loss for words for other things. In fact, I often talk too much.

But for my babies I am quiet.

They would have been two this June. Three little guys running and tumbling over each other and talking. Maybe toddler tantrums. Certainly lots of love and snuggles and sweet baby kisses. I will never know that.

I think that is part of why losing a baby is so hard. You didn't just lose the baby, you lost your entire future with that child. When my grandmother died it was hard. I loved her dearly and I still miss her every day. But I have the memories of laughing with her to sustain me.

I have few good memories of my babies. My memories are clouded with sickness and pain and shock. My memories are of hospitals and blood tests and worried faces. My memories are of desperation and despair and the sure knowledge that there was no hope whatsoever.

My memories are all I have left. 

Holding their tiny bodies is another memory. I wanted to touch them and know that they were real and they lived. I wanted them to know how much I loved them and wanted them.

Do they know?

Somehow do my babies know that I loved them so much and love them still?

I don't cry so much. I'm quiet in my grief now. I'm not sure if it is better or just a change. I am triggered by dates. June was their due date month.

Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago today I woke up to learn that while I was unconscious, the doctors took my three baby boys from my body. They were too young and too small to live without me and I was dying with them.

We had fought for so long for those babies. Years of infertility. IVF. I was originally carrying quads because when my body does something, it decides to do them in the weirdest way possible. We lost one baby at 8 weeks.

I was so sick. From ten weeks on I had the worst morning sickness. I became so dehydrated that my doctor had ordered me to be on home IV therapy. So I went in a couple days before Christmas to get the IV placed and to learn how to deal with it and how to clear my line and all that.

The next day I accidentally messed up my line and had to go back to get it replaced. That probably saved my life because they took my blood pressure and immediately sent me to the hospital. I spent a few days in the maternity ward on bed rest with lots of medicine. They couldn't control my blood pressure and I was getting sicker.

I was sent up to ICU where I was fitted with a PICC line and had so many tests done. I couldn't breath half the time. I could only breath properly if I was sitting upright slumped over a pillow. That made my blood pressure worse though. I stopped eating. Everything made me throw up. I stopped drinking. I stopped peeing.

My kidneys were shutting down. My liver was shutting down. I threw a blood clot in my left eye. I had to actively remind myself to breath because I couldn't trust my body to breath for me. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't breath. My mother took a picture of me right at the end. I looked like I was already dead.

 I have no memories of the final day except someone yelling at me to breath and someone else trying to get me to drink an ensure. I remember throwing up that ensure too.

I woke up in a chair. No memories of how they got me into the chair. The nurses were bringing in my three babies so that I could see them and hold them. They had taken pictures of the boys beforehand and did hand prints and foot prints and did little molds of their hands and feet for me. They put together a little photo album for me of pictures of the babies.

They were so tiny. Only 17 weeks but so perfect. Their little hands and feet were perfect. Little eyes and ears were still not formed completely but their noses and lips were already perfect. The nurses had wrapped them up in little blankets and put tiny little hats on their heads for me.

We had them baptized. We named them. Andrew Noah, Benjamin Levi, and Caleb Thomas.